Last Orders by Caimh McDonnell

Author:Caimh McDonnell [McDonnell, Caimh]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: McFori Ink
Published: 2018-03-02T22:00:00+00:00

As Phil and Paul came around the corner to where the van was parked, they were confronted by an unwelcome sight. Kevin Kelleher, his hand in a bandage and a smug grin across his face, was leaning on the bonnet of the van.

“Howerya, lads? Any chance of a 99?”

“Not for you,” said Paul.

“Yeah,” added Phil, “the machine broke yesterday.”

Paul looked at Phil, who shrugged. “Well, it did.”

“So,” continued Kelleher, “did you have fun following Mr Harrison while he was getting acupuncture? He’s trying to deal with some issues he’s been having with his back, stemming from being dangled off a balcony.”

Kelleher pushed himself off the bonnet, exaggeratedly dusting himself down. “You lot are a joke. Do you really think Harrison can’t keep it in his pants for a few weeks?”

“Well,” said Paul, “he doesn’t have the greatest of track records in that area.”

“Still, though, you’re following him, we’re following you. What a fun little game we’re playing. By the way, I have an agreement with Mr Harrison and his solicitors that when he eventually owns your sorry business – as scant consolation for the mental hardship you’ve caused him – I’m going to buy it off him, for a very fair price. The reason I bring that up is that I’m a bit concerned with the sorry state of this vehicle I’m about to own.”

Kevin Kelleher ran his finger along the side of the van and tutted. “Filthy. I think it needs a thorough clean, inside and out. Luckily for you, my brother Vincent and I are also shareholders in a mobile car valeting business.”

As he said this, Vincent, the monobrowed monolith of the Kelleher clan, appeared from behind the van, holding a hose. Paul moved a couple of steps to the right, and saw that the hose was running from the back of a blue van parked behind theirs.

“Complimentary jet wash. Just to show there are no hard feelings.” Vincent gave what Paul could only assume he considered a smile as he pushed the hose in the gap of the partially open van window. “By the way, you should really close your windows properly. There’s a lot of nefarious characters around.”

“I wouldn’t do that if I was you,” said Phil.

“Wouldn’t ye? What are you going to do about it? Call the cops? What with one of you very closely resembling a peeping Tom spotted in the area? Or are you going to resort to physical violence? Go right ahead, you’ve not got your psycho partner with you now.”

Paul noticed that Kevin reflexively cradled his bandaged fingers.

“Actually—” began Phil, before being interrupted as Paul put a warning hand across him.

“No,” said Paul, “just let the man get on with it, Phil. We deserve this.”

Kevin laughed. “Too fecking right, and I’m going to enjoy it.”

“Not as much as I am.”

“Yeah, we’ll see. Vinny!”

“What?” responded Vinny.

Kevin Kelleher looked slightly exasperated. “What do you mean what? Turn on the damn hose.”

“Oh. Right.”

Vinny then duly turned a knob on the hose, and Paul could clearly hear water whooshing through it, into the MCM surveillance van.

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